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COMMUNISTS FOR KERRY

THE LIVING LEGEND
 


 

Smooth and full-bodied coffee grown by former
Nicaraguan Contras

In 1980 these freedom fighters defeated a communist dictatorship with U.S. assistance. Support them again today by ordering this exceptional coffee.

 

Che Guevara is the Great Salesman of Communism. He started his glamorous life by killing people who didn't buy his ideas of universal happiness and equality. Although this selling method worked well in South American and African countries, young Ernesto quickly realized that to conquer the world he had to learn other techniques.

He noticed that in the Land of Big Capital some idealistic college students, as well as pimple faced white middleclass teens had already begun to put his unwashed visage on their T-shirts and dorm room walls. Bingo! Like all communists faced with the prospect of making a few dollars, Che decided to try his hand at the mysterious entity known as "work" and "business investment".

A brilliant salesman, Che performed an ingenious maneuver by faking his own death and thus achieving the Jim Morrison type icon status. As the progressive world mourned and idolized his image, Che quietly started printing his own T-shirts in the humble basement of a Bogota Laundromat.

At first the process involved dunking his head in a bucket of ox blood and physically pressing his face on the T-shirt. After sales began to pick up he was able to apply for a small business loan and purchased a screen printing machine.

Che has marketed his brand name brilliantly over the years, selling to specific niche in the market: young people who have no clue what Che has done or what he stands for. The cash keeps flowing as most college dorms world-wide are being adorned with his face, and more and more middle class sons and daughters wear Che products in order to, among other things, wash away the guilt of their well-heeled upbringing.

"It's just cool to wear my stuff. Who cares what I'm about!" says a confident Guevara from his 36th floor office of his world headquarters on Madison Avenue in New York City. His unique product sells solely on popularity, coolness and young people looking to gain acceptance in social circles. "You can essentially turn out complete junk and people will still wear it because they want to be in," declares John Hayden of Consumer Reports magazine.

In the near future Che-Mart intends to diversify its global image into several different product lines. There's an Apprentice-style TV show called "The Revolutionary" in the pipeline. The show will pit several left-leaning young people against each other, charging them with such tasks as fermenting revolution in small counties, organizing protests against McDonalds and attacking the police. The winner will receive.????

Today Mr. Guevara commands a huge global business empire with offices in New York, Paris, London and Tokyo. He has been featured in Forbes and Fortune magazines no less than 8 times. With houses in New York, Los Angeles and Aspen, Che has come a long way from his humble revolutionary beginnings. His company has been listed in the Fortune 500 for the last 6 years and Che-Mart has been voted one of the Ten Best Employers in the United States. Recently featured in Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, he is an avid collector of fine art and Ferraris. Che spends his spare time on the slopes of Aspen or socializing with his good friend and business associate Donald Trump. With a fleet of Leer jets he is never too far from corporate boardrooms of the world.

The future is looking bright for Che-Mart as the endless supply of liberal college professors and college students will keep his global empire afloat for the foreseeable future. 

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