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Nicaraguan Contras

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Your Five-Year Plan

At this point in your life you may find yourself deeply embedded in some great academic experience such as college. The lice-ridden pothead in the campus cafeteria pours out his great socialist ideas day after day. Only he and Michael Moore speak the truth; anything else is corporate propaganda. The following is a "how to" guide on being the great socialist you so dearly wish to be (please refer back to this after your first job, first child, first mortgage, and first home. See if you would like to distribute it equally to those who are more deserving).

To be like Che we must:

  1. Disassociate ourselves from our trust-fund money and middle-class parents.
  3. Attain the "I've been in the Amazon jungle for six weeks" look. Those clean clothes from Old Navy aren't going to cut it. Rush out and buy a Che T-shirt first. A bedraggled combat jacket is also essential. Heavy boots are a must.
  5. You've had your last wash buddy! From now on all forms of personal hygiene are to be abandoned. Haircuts are a thing of the past.
  7. Induce Mom and Pop to buy an old, beat-up Volvo (something from the mid 80s should do). Your fellow revolutionaries dare not see you in the Lexus or the Infinity.
  9. If you have to leave the revolution (campus) for a trip home to Mom and Pop (capitalist pigs), try sleeping in the basement or outside with the trash. Your revolutionary look must be kept up at all costs.
  11. Endear yourself to your fellow revolutionaries by making up tall stories of a hard life under capitalist oppression. Something along the lines of "my father was small turd farmer in Nebraska until the Republicans ruined everything."
  13. Visit Starbucks not more than once a week. That stuff is expensive; you're supposed to behave like a common peasant.
  15. Never be seen leaving or entering the bank.
  17. Diss America.
  19. Develop a mild dependence on recreational substances.
  21. Exhibit utter disdain for large corporations, such as, McDonalds (until you seek employment from one, in about five years). If Che were alive today he would be actively fighting against such an "enemy."
  23. Your Internet access is strictly for gathering information on the revolution.
  25. While on spring break, practice revolutionary skills. Try to collapse the local government with your band of revolutionaries (drunken buffoons). Remember to bring MasterCard or Visa in case of bail.

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